This post was originally written for the LifeTravelers blog here.
This past December my wife and I celebrated ten years of marriage. I take that back. Our anniversary is on December 16th, and I’m pretty sure we hung out at home that night. We actually celebrated a couple months earlier with an all-inclusive trip to Cancun without the kids.
Now, I realize ten years isn’t really that long, but statistics show couples are more likely to get divorced within the first ten years of their marriage than at any other time.
Marriage statistics vary and are constantly changing, but from what I have found, it looks like around 35% of first marriages fail to make it at least ten years. I say first marriages because statistics get worse with each subsequent marriage.
So, what do I know that 35% of couples don’t?
Probably not much, that’s why I asked my wife to weigh in on the subject.
Here are the six things she believes has contributed to our success.
- Open Communication
Being able to tell your spouse exactly how you feel and why is vital to the success of your marriage. We weren’t great at this the first year or two of our marriage. We both had a tendency to hold things in until it created a much bigger problem. Over time we built up trust with one another and have become comfortable sharing exactly how we feel without becoming angry at each other.
- Realistic Expectations
As much as my wife would love for me to be more romantic and affectionate, she realizes it’s not how I’m wired. This doesn’t mean I should never try. It just means that she’s not holding me to a standard that I’ll never achieve. Putting unrealistic expectations on your spouse always sets you up for disappointment.
- Putting Your Spouse First
There’s a verse in the book of Philippians that my wife lives out. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself. She’s incredible at this. A lot of couples that have kids make the mistake of putting the kids first instead of their spouse. This can seem to make sense in the moment, but it’s a terrible idea and can lead to a lot of problems in the marriage.
- Have Fun
This seems so simple, right? But most marriages fail because the couple stopped having fun together. I don’t like spending money, and fun often comes at a cost. I’ve learned the importance of putting fun in the budget. We enjoy going to the movies. We’ll see a couple of concerts this summer, and we try to take a mini vacation by ourselves every year. Those things add up, but it’s a lot cheaper than a divorce.
- Take Divorce Off the Table
From our initial engagement, my wife and I have been adamant that divorce would never be an option for us. I know most couples say that, we meant it. When you take divorce off the table, you have no choice but to work things out. So, we’ve never allowed ourselves to even bring up the word divorce in arguments. We’ve also tried to always sleep in the same bed even when we’re angry at one another. This hasn’t always worked, but we try.
- Umm…Lots of “Alone Time”
This is a bit awkward to bring up, but my wife insists. And she’s right, sex is really important in a marriage. We have confirmed it through every couples small group we’ve even been a part of. Husbands almost always want more sex than they are currently getting, and wives almost always want more romance than they are currently getting. When you don’t get this part of your relationship right, it can have devastating effects as people start looking for that intimacy somewhere else.
This is in no way a complete list of why our marriage has worked. There are a lot of other factors that go into it, most importantly our relationship with God. But, hopefully, this will give you a few ideas you can use to improve your marriage.
How have you managed to prioritize your marriage while working in ministry? I’d love to hear your suggestions so leave a comment below and don’t forget to subscribe to the blog to get tips on church growth, leadership, and more delivered to your inbox each week.
4 thoughts on “Six Reasons Our Marriage Has Worked”
Most of the time we’re doing ministry together, but there are times that I have to do it without him. He has his own separate full time job and I more, or less, consider ministry to be mine. It’s my passion! So in those moments I’m devoting my time to ministry/my passion, he struggles with not wanting that time for himself. It just comes back to making sure we make time for each other and also our family. I have to make him a priority while at the same time he has to understand how important that ministry is to me. We have to give of ourselves without giving up of ourselves.
Thanks Shelly for the reply. Ministry can be really tough on marriages, but sounds like you’ve found a rhythm that works for you.
This article states the six reasons that cause sufferings in a relationship. Going into marriage thinking that our partner will be a superhero sets us up for disaster. Conventional wisdom says you have to communicate to make a marriage work .
Thanks for the comment Daryl. I totally agree, unrealistic expectations are certainly a huge issue in many marriages.